It's times like this when the fact that my
husband is a male to female transsexual bothers me.
When my energy level is high, and life is
running smoothly, it is easy for me to accept the disapproving glances, the
stares, the whispers. Not that Cynthia doesn't pass well - she does, without
question. Rather, it's notion that we are obviously a lesbian couple. We
are also a Mutt and Jeff (I'm 5'3" and she's 6') couple. It's easy to be
brave when you're feeling good.
But, when my energy level is low and there
are problems at work and/or with the family, Cynthia's transgenderism can be
an issue.
Why? Let's look at the upcoming funeral.
My uncle was a fundamentalist Christian and dying of acute leukemia. I just
didn't feel comfortable, in his last days, telling him about Cynthia and me.
It didn't seem fair to ask my uncle and his wife to deal with this issue
on top of their own personal tragedy. This now means that I need to go to
the visitation and funeral alone, with everyone wondering why "Roger" isn't
with me, and I'll need some excuse to explain that. My other choice would
be to have Cynthia come with me and deal with the fallout. I'm not feeling
that brave today.
It's also times like this when the fact that
my husband is a male-to-female transsexual is actually a REAL blessing.
You see, the men in my life haven't got a
good track record dealing with adversity. My boyfriend of four years broke
up with me the day after my father was buried, saying I had become "too
needy."
Cynthia is the complete opposite - she's loving,
caring, and reassuring. She is a great 'wife'. Cynthia keeps the house tidy
and clean, packs me a lunch, and cooks breakfast and dinner. She takes care
of the kids and the dogs, is my cheerleader and my rock, and is the spiritual
heart of our family. With a set of pearls, she'd be the stereotypical perfect
1950s sitcom housewife. She helps me to be brave.
It began in 1993, when I got a letter from
my high school friend, "Roger." He was in town, so we got together one night
for drinks. It didn't take long for both of us to realize that we belonged
together, and were married four months later.
Shortly after our relationship began to
get serious, "Roger" explained that, back in the 1980's, a psychiatrist diagnosed
him as having Gender Identity Dysphoria. I understood what transsexual meant
and, as "Roger" says, I didn't run screaming into the night. He said he thought
he had it under control now, and was 'okay' as a male. So, I was quite aware
of "Roger's" issues before we got married. But, when we married, it was as
man and wife. Nightly, I prayed to God to make me the best possible wife
to "Roger" that I could be.
God, however, had His own plans. "Roger"
nearly died in 1997 from massive blood loss caused by a bleeding ulcer. As
he recovered, he considered the fragility of life and what he felt inside.
When "Roger" felt the need to transition, we talked about it at length. I
suggested, "Let's try taking baby steps. Let's see how far you can go, and
when I get uncomfortable, can I say 'stop' or 'let's slow down'?" He
agreed.
Our one rule was, and continues to be, that
divorce is not an option. Because we made that decision together, everything
else from there was easier. I know that "Roger" values my feelings and our
relationship enough to take them into account on his journey. So throughout
"Roger's" transition to Cynthia, I have always felt that I had a say.
But, it's not that way for every couple going
through transition. I've talked to dozens of other wives in my work with
TransFamily and the Straight Spouse Network. It seems like so many husbands
make the decision to transition in a vacuum, not looking at the impact this
has on the wife. She wonders if this because of her? Is it something she
caused? Will she be left behind after his transition? Does he no longer find
her desirable? What happens to their sex life?
There are many resources available to explain
what the transgendered individual goes through. So, this time, let's consider
the spouse's viewpoint:
During the public transition, you find yourself
in a role you never anticipated - a woman with another woman. Holding hands
in public results in some measure of anti-gay hostility. Some women flirt
with you when they pick up the lesbian vibe. Some people think, because you
share the same last name, that you are sisters or cousins. Others assume
that the relationship is friendship, as when the waitress at dinner asks
if you want separate checks.
Shopping for clothes becomes easier because
now you both go to the same department (but your clothing bill becomes higher
as your "T" makes up for a lifetime of repression). There are two sets of
make up and jewelry. You are now identified as a lesbian.
That's tough, but the private transition
is more difficult and painful. You are now asked or expected to change your
sexual orientation to complement the T*s gender, to be attracted to breasts
and soft, hairless skin. The embrace of masculine passion now becomes the
soft touch of feminine desire.
And, of course, your dreams have to be revised.
Your idea of 'happily ever after' must be overhauled. The vision you once
had of growing old together transforms to a picture of two little old ladies
walking on the beach.
Then there are the unexpected subtle changes.
You are the one clipping the dogs' nails because your partner is squeamish.
You have to help do the lifting and carrying because your partner lost upper
body strength due to the hormones. In the beginning, there are times of secrecy
as you deal with the outside world because your partner is in "stealth" mode.
You are now the 'husband'.
This can be a tough job.
So, why do I stay? Because I can't
imagine our relationship in ANY other way. When God joined us, we were made
one flesh. We complete each others sentences; when she thinks something,
I say it. Our interests are so similar. But, at the same time, they are diverse
enough to allow us our own space. We learn from each other and continue to
grow as "people." Cliché as it sounds, we really are soul mates. She
makes me a better person than I was without her. And, I know she feels the
same. We LOVE each other.
Do I know how to behave like a husband? Not
really. I use the Golden Rule as a guideline. I try to treat Cynthia as I know
wives like to be treated. I buy cards, little gifts for Valentine's Day,
send flowers for Mother's Day, try to remember to pick up after myself, am
a good provider, and am appreciative of all the things she does for me. Leaving
the toilet seat down hasn't been an issue
Intimacy? Lovemaking was and continues to
be an important part of our relationship. We have a need to be intimate with
each other but I am still a "straight" woman. By using a variation of the
Golden Rule - if it feels good to me it must feel good to her - I've adjusted
to being what I call 'monosexual'. It wasn't easy adjusting to Cynthia's breasts,
and her skin that is smoother than mine. For that, I relied on our love and
the advice in 1 Corinthians 13.
Would I be more brave if I had been born
to this role? If I had expected to live my life with a woman instead of a
man? Maybe. But then, I probably wouldn't have married "Roger" and subsequently
discovered Cynthia.
I believe to the very depths of my soul that
God wants me here, acting as Cynthia's husband. I believe Cynthia was made this
way for a reason and that we are together to help each other successfully
execute His will. And, I'll pray daily, hourly, and minutely for the strength
to be brave all the time.
© copyright 2002 Pro-Mo Publishing,
all rights reserved
Contact Miriam by email at
miriam@transfamily.org
Read Miriam's Story
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