If any of you would like any prints, please
just let me know which ones...each file has a specific label.
Please know that I am happier than I've
ever been. I am consistently seen as 8-10 years younger than my chronological
age, simply because of the peace of mind of being me now. I'm working harder
on lots of stuff to be better able to take care of myself and I have already
made great progress. Right now I'm taking a short therapy break...a good
time for it; I was getting stuck, and my therapist is in need of serious
back surgery. I am no longer a totally dependent victim needing to be taken
care of. There are lots of things about life that I am seeing and learning
about, and it's kind of neat to be where I am at this point. Like a kid seeing
things for the first time, and with the same sense of excitement sometimes.
Sometimes kind of scary too, but not in the old way. I am not running away
from life now. I am living, experiencing, and feeling life now, and it's
good...VERY good. My transition has not solved all my problems, I was never
under the illusion that it would. But it has enabled me to tap into an inner
strength that others figured was always there, but was totally hidden from
me. Now I know why. There are many things I am having to learn, about being
a man, but also being a person. It is exciting!
Our expressions of our faith in God are
very different, but many people have told me that hearing my life-story it
is very obviously a God-driven journey. Throughout most of the first part
of it all, culminating 3 years ago in January in the hospital, everything
that has happened to me and with me since has been eerily non-coincidental.
The people placed in my life, the situations, the opportunities, the
experiences....all have made total sense to me at every turn. I have been
very blessed to have been spared a lot of the turmoil that so many transfolk
have had to endure, and also have been spared the difficult "in-between"
place inherent in this journey. I was able to become who you see in the pictures
with little trouble, being seen as male from the beginning. It is another
indication that God knew what he was doing!
I see only good things ahead. Maybe not
where any of us had envisioned life for me, but certainly incredibly different
from what we had been seeing in my future for the last few decades (ouch...that
makes all of us feel too old...sorry :~} ) I may never get all that far in
life. But I have already had to journey farther than many people. Finally
I am able to enjoy where I am.
I understand that this has been a difficult
journey for all of you. I don't know whether it was easier or harder being
so distant from each other. But none of you are alone in your feelings or
reactions. Every transperson has family in some respect, be it biological,
or chosen. Some are able to maintain good relationships with their families,
some are not. Some families are actively supportive during transition, some
are quietly supportive, some are negative, some have chosen to deny the existence
altogether of their relative. Our family has been fractured for many, many
years. Sometimes with the splinters very sharp and painful. Things have happened,
and some of them will never be able to be healed. That is something painful,
but sometimes necessary. But I have appreciated the attempts to accept and
understand who I am and my journey to become me. Hopefully, that can expand
to include meeting me. I really can be a fun guy to know!
I have some people in my life that are parents
of transman, and gay transmen at that. They have offered to converse with
any of you at any time, and can steer you to resources and support nearby
if you would like. Just let me know. Kitten Gross, from Cleveland, especially,
whom I met last winter in Maryland is a real peach. She and her husband Bob
are active in PFLAG (Parents, Family, Friends and Allies of Lesbians and
Gays) and founded TransFamily of Cleveland. They have many members, and meet
every month for a potluck dinner and discussions. They have an email list
I am on. I also have a book edited by another woman that I met in Maryland
at the conference. It is a compilation of stories by relatives of transfolk.
I bought a copy for myself, one to loan out to friends, one for the mom of
a friend of mine, and one to send up for the 3 of you. It really is a neat
book. Kitten and Bob Gross wrote about Mitch, who was one of my first buddies
online, and the first transman I ever met in person.
I hope that this Christmas, the last of
the century, can be the best one of the century. It sure is for me!
Gonna close this now, I can't believe I
actually wrote a letter!
Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!
Joshua
PS: Please share me with the friends that
know me, I think they'd be pleasantly surprised, and happy that I have finally
found ME! I still am your child, just a new and much improved model!
Response that same day, 12/23/99 from my brother:
Joshua:
We all build a "life resume" that includes places we have seen, people
we have met, and things which we have accomplished. Some days are more
important or meaningful than others and some events, though possibly
small in themselves, act as punctuation for larger ongoing changes or
events. I think your email letter is an example of punctuation deserving
of a mention on your life resume. I am very proud of you and the
articulate way you expressed yourself in your letter. To me, it
represents years of effort to find yourself and to understand and
organize your past. The letter is very "adult". Congratulations.
I have always been glad that I have a sibling and am reasonably
indifferent as to gender and/or sexual orientation. I confess to getting
mixed up with the pronouns at times but that reflects the fact that you
were my sister for most of my life and I am unwilling to take the
possibly more expedient approach of dealing with "Deb" and "Joshua" as
two different people. To me you have always been, and always will be, my
sibling. I have only had one, whether male or female. Unfortunately, the
English language has gender-biased elements (imagine the problems of the
French!). Sibling is an unworkable word and old habits die hard. Don't
let occasional wired in speech patterns undercut your sense for how
supportive I am. You are my brother and I value your choice.
Most people live as the sex they were born, in the religion to which
they were born, and, frequently, to the expectations to which they were
subjected. You have chosen your sex and your religion, now is when you
can cast off your ingrained perceptions of what you think our (your
family's) expectations are or were and choose new ones that suit you. We
probably have fewer expectations than you might think! Based on your
having chosen your sex and religion, perhaps you are best suited for a
career as a professional "convert" (unfortunately it probably doesn't
pay very well).
On a more serious note, it is hard to do what you have done. Society, as
a whole, has not yet learned to deal with the legitimate needs of large
segments of the population, including yours. What you have done probably
requires BOTH courage AND extraordinary motivation. People don't choose
to change their sex as the "easy way out". I can't imagine what could me
a harder choice in today's world. The motivation, as you know only too
well, borders on desperation. I can't imagine anything worse than trying
to live as someone you are not. I had to borrow clothes from Joe down in
Florida one time and it made me extremely uncomfortable because the
clothes did not mirror who I am. I get extremely uncomfortable when
people try to categorize me (usually incorrectly) as a republican or
some other affiliation. I am who I am. I just happen, for the most part,
to be what society expects me to be. If I weren't, there would be hell
to pay!
I am also proud of the way Mom and Dad have each worked to come to grips
with the issues. They were born in a different world than you and I.
Having children has taught me a lot of things I didn't know. No person
can ever have the same perspective on a person as that person's parents.
No other relationship is the same (for better or worse). No amount of
love, no level of involvement, nothing. The parent/child relationship is
unique. Some work better than others, but they are all still unique
compared with any other type of relationship. The shared genes and
nature's most basic instincts get combined with all a parent's hopes and
dreams.
When Mom and Dad look at you or me they know that we mean more to
them than they do to us. It's how nature structures life. My children
take me for granted and I want them to. I, on the other hand, view them
as the center of my universe. And that is the way it's supposed to work.
When Mom and Dad look at you they still see the tiny baby at the very
start of life. It was yesterday to them but a lifetime ago for you. They
try harder than you realize and they care more than you realize. Any
mistakes they made were when they were younger than you and I are now in
what has become through time a vague and unreal haze. What is still in
sharp focus for them are the images that they locked in their mind's
eye. Things like watching you up on stage playing the clarinet or the
look on your face when you first rode a bicycle. At the time they may or
may not have said or done the right thing or the thing you wanted or
needed, but those are the images they carry around.
Don't ever let your family (any of us) stop you from being who you are
or who you want to be. On the other hand, don't ever underestimate the
value of family. Develop the relationship with each family member
individually and also the family as a whole. Even as a 43 year old
"adult" I take for granted that I can call and talk to Mom or Dad. I
cannot imagine either of them not being there. Odds are reasonably high
that at some point (I hope distant) I will have the opportunity to see
what it feels like to know that, no matter how much I want to, I can't
ever talk to them again. It is a sobering thought. What Mary Lou would
give for a chance to talk to her Father for five minutes just one more
time!
I haven't been as accessible over the past couple of months as I would
have liked to have been. I narrowed my focus for a while to the children
and to work with a little left over for my marriage and my goddaughter.
It was a temporary necessity which is now completed. I look forward to
the new millennium with my wife, my children, my parents and my brother
(and the gazillion members of my extended family).
(signed)
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