• TransFamily Quibbles and Quotes
By Melinda K

Hello! My name is Melinda and I would like to explain my plan for this column. My idea is to write items of human interest. The items need to be supplied by you, the TransFamily members. Possibly, in this way we can learn to better know our family members through personal insights and group sharing experiences.

As a starter list, I would like to suggest subjects such as name choices, inspirational messages, transitioning stories, and amusing anecdotes we've all had. They can be anything that has emotional significance for you that might also provide positive motivation for other gender pioneers to follow. It can be as simple as a poem that brought you to tears, a book that caused you to reflect, or a song that reveals your truths. A case-in-point, for me, was the time I was receiving genetic counseling at Metro Health. My therapist and I were forty-five minutes into the interviewing process when she suddenly stopped. While in mid-question, concerning my age, the lady doctor looks up at me and says, "Melinda, you couldn't be anything but a woman' "and stops speaking. Leaving that office that day, I felt ten feet tall. It was especially nice considering that she had no other reason for making that statement except her own personal discovery.So if you would like the opportunity to let us know something that makes you tick, send your scribblings to me. I can be reached by phone at (216) 351-3967, through the TransFamily Newsletter number or directly in person at our next meeting. I'm looking forward to reading and writing about you soon.

"Melinda's Quibbles and Quotes" column will be a bimonthly feature in the TransFamily Newsletter". We welcome your input in the coming months and hope you will find it to be an uplifting experience.

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Hi, all,

Denise Brogan sent out the following questionnaire to several people, including me. I felt it represents an important initiative, and so asked for her permission to post it to this elist. Please don't send responses to me -- send them to Denise Brogan. And, please, if you fit the category of respondents solicited, please complete the survey and send it in. If you know someone who would be appropriate, please pass it on. Who knows how many custody battles the information gained through this effort may affect!

Thanks! Hugs,
Kitten

Following is a call for stories and information from gender variant parents (not necessarily restricted to those that identify as "trans"). Please pass this along, in whatever format is appropriate to as many people as you know that may have an interest in this subject. The greater the participation, the greater the possibility for something positive to come from our lives and our efforts!

Thank you!
Denise Brogan

Are you a Parent? Does your "gender" deviate from someone's "norm"?

If you are gender variant (and, really, how many of us aren't?) and a parent, please take a few minutes and respond to this request. I am gathering stories from parents. This is a totally confidential project that I have undertaken to document how gender variant parents deal with (or are dealt with, in some cases!) being parents and all the attendant things that surround it. As you share your story please consider some of the following questions, but please don't limit your response and/or discussion to these points, I am interested in hearing about YOUR experiences, as you wish to share them:

1) How do you self identify? (for example, Transgendered, Feminine Man, Masculine Woman, Transsexual, Cross Dresser, Drag Queen, Drag King, FtM, MtF, etc.)

2) How many children do you have?

3) What are their ages? Do you identify their sex? (Do they?) How?

4) How old were they when they became aware of your gender variance?

5) How did they become aware?

6) Are they your biological children?

7) If yes to #6, are you their biological father or mother?

8) If no to #6, what is your relationship (adopted, AI, etc.)?

9) What is your relationship to the children's other biological parent(s) (married, divorced, divorce-in-process, no relationship (donors unknown, for example), domestic partnership, etc.)?

10) How is your relationship with the other parent (friendly, hostile, non-communicative, etc.)?

11) How have your children adapted to your gender variance?

12) How have the other "influencers" in your child(ren)'s lives handled your gender variance (other parent, peers, teachers, etc.)?

13) Is there another "significant other" in your life or other new family members to whom your children are exposed? What is the character of those relationships?

14) Have you been involved with the legal system vis-a-vis your children and your gender variance? For example, have you been involved in a custody dispute because of your gender variance, or was it an issue in your divorce?

15) If yes to #12, please share as much of the details of the process and the outcome as you wish. For example, what was the "complaint" if any, what was the outcome of the proceeding, how did you locate your attorney, what were the arguments against you, what were your arguments, did you settle out-of-court, what sort of "custody" or "visitation" was awarded, etc.?

16) Please characterize your relationship now with your children.

17) Are your children now, or have they been, involved in therapy for issues surrounding your gender variance? If so, has the process been helpful to them, in your opinion? In theirs? Would they be interested in participating in a survey oriented to professionals? If so, would you share their contact information, please?

18) Please share any other information that you wish!

What I intend to do with these stories and this information:

This is the first step in developing an information database and support network for gender-variant parents. At this point, I simply wish to understand the issues that parents have faced vis-a-vis their children and their gender variance. From this information, I, working with appropriate professionals, intend to develop a formal questionnaire and survey. I then intend to present the results of that more formal survey at major gender conferences. The first would likely be next year, probably the IFGE Coming Together Conference. I anticipate recruiting child psychologists, marriage counselors, attorneys, a panel of gender variant parents, kids with "out" parents, etc. to put on presentations and workshops that address the growing and complex needs of gender variant folk and their offspring. Some of these folk are already well known leaders of our community, are in my database, and have agreed to both the concept and their participation! I will also share the results with all survey participants and anyone else who requests it.

From that effort, I hope to establish an awareness of the issues and challenges facing those of us gender variant folk that are also struggling with raising children.

Eventually, I intend that this work form the foundation for a longer-term study of gender variant parents, optimally a "sanctioned" study (undertaken, for example, by a university) that will provide usable evidence as to the "fitness" of gender variant parents. I anticipate that this work will be similar to that which was conducted in the gay and lesbian communities in the late '70s and '80s and I believe it will provide usable evidence that gender variant parents are not less fit and their children not less "well-adapted" than any other parent or child.

If you know of a gender variant parent that has not responded to this, please pass this along to them in whatever format is appropriate.

Please share, if you wish, your contact information so that you may be included in the more formal survey to follow. My contact information is DEBrogan@AOL.com

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