A Tale of Two Mirrors

Hi Girls. You too Tim. This is a tale of two mirrors. It might not apply to our FTM members, but I’m sure most of my sisters will understand.

You might say that of all the things I own, my most length prized are my two floor mirrors. For over 30 years, I only used one mirror. During my dress-up episodes, after I had put on all the make-up, the dress, heels, and wig, I would look into my one mirror. I was always totally pleased with the reflection.

During the summer of 1995 I bought a new house. For the first time in my life I had my own bedroom. I could decorate it any way I wanted to. My mind went crazy with ideas. I ended up keeping it very simple. Just a few flowers, nice wallpaper, soft curtains, and two floor length mirrors. I put them on opposite walls. Lo and behold! For the first time in my life I could see my rear. I was shocked!

For all of these years I had convinced myself that I looked good. That I passed for a female. What a fool I had been. My shoulders were too wide, my face too long, and my jaw was too big. In short, I looked like a sumo wrestler. Terrible! I put all the clothes in boxes and put them in storage. I was sick! I was really disappointed with my appearance.

I had found out totally by accident that it’s easy to lie to yourself. It’s easy to pretend you’re something you’re not. I was reminded of an old saying. "To thine own self be true." I never really quite knew what that meant, until I got my own two mirrors. Now I could see myself as others saw me. I could see both sides of my face, my rear, my stomach. In short, the entire package. I saw what everyone else saw, and it was not female.

For the next couple of years I sought out professional doctors, hairdressers, make-up artists, and anyone else that could help me in my quest to be female. I was going down that well-worn path so many of my sisters before me had gone. I was seeking that magic bottle of make-up that would turn me into this beautiful woman that I always wanted to be.

Since then I’ve had many surgeries to soften my features. I’ve since retrieved my female attire, only to see that most of it really looks silly. It has been a costly experience: new wardrobe, new surgeries and mental anguish. But I can finally see a light at the end of a very long tunnel. I always marveled at how well post-op girls looked, but I’ve been reminded that most of them have 20 years of hormones behind them also.

I’m now post-op. I hope in 20 years I’ll pass as well as they do. I’m trying to erase 55 years of manhood, which won’t be easy.

In closing, I’ll just say if you don’t care how you look, don’t own a mirror. If you want to know the truth, own two.

The third annual True Spirit Conference for FTMs and SOFFAs was held this year in Laurel, Maryland on February 26 through the 28th. The conference is sponsored by the American Boyz which began in February of 1994 for female to male transgendered people and their significant others, friends, families, and allies (SOFFAs).

The organization has grown to over forty affiliates throughout North America and caters to many levels of individuals on the gender spectrum. The True Spirit Conference offered many workshops and caucuses featuring a variety of speakers to help FTMs and their friends and families with many aspects of the FTM transition.

The opening ceremonies included key note speeches from Karen and Bob Gross and Koren Hoard. Dr. Michael Brownstein lead a workshop on FTM chest reconstruction, and Dr. Sheila Kirk lead workshops such as From Hormones through Surgery and FTM Genital Reconstruction. Other caucuses included Trans-Trans Intimacy, Spirituality 1, Whiplash City: FTMs Cruising Women, Women Cruising FTMs, and Leather/ SM Basic Training. The True Spirit Conference concluded with a splash, a pool party.

For more information on the next True Spirit Conference and the American Boyz, Inc. you can write to: 212A S. Bridge St. Suite 131; Elkton, MD 21921; or call (410) 392-3640.

On the web you can find them http://www.amboyz.org or email at Transman@netgsi.com.

It is at once sobering and heartening to see straight news media finally giving gay hate crimes the serious attention and space they deserve. Even the New York Times has weighed in with repeated editorials on the vicious murders of Matthew Shepard and now Billy Jack Gaither. The gay press, of course, is filled with these stories; the HRC webpage opens with Billy Gaither's terrible murder.

I used to explain to college audiences and Congress-members alike that every four or five months another fairly straightforward, unambiguous gender hate crime occurs. Awful as that figure is, I didn't know how good we had it.

Rita Hester in Boston, Chanel Chandler in California, Steve Dwayne Garcia and Jane Doe in Houston, Lauryn Paige in Austin, Fitzroy Green in New York, Vianna Faye Williams in Jersey City, and Tasha Dunn in Tampa... We are now averaging one gender-murder every month. Simply put, in the last half-year, this country has turned into a meat-grinder.

Where are the voices crying out against the murders of these people? Is it that the violence done to Rita Hester or the sadistic torture and murder of Lauryn Paige are less horrific? Is it that the hatred, which impelled the killer of Tasha Dunn to, in the words of the police, beat her to her last breath any less virulent and profound?

Or is it that when a hate crime occurs based on race, or religion, and now, at last, on sexual orientation, reasonable people can reasonably hope that voices will be raised in protest? But are six murders, or sixty murders, that occur based on gender rendered mute and invisible because certain kinds of bodies and certain kinds of hate don't matter as much? Within the queer community and certainly within the straight press, we are disposable people.

How many of us will need to die violently, alone, and in terrible pain before our press, our leaders, and our organizations speak out? Perhaps they never will speak out, and some of us will continue to pay for being gender-different with our lives.

It is ironic that GenderPAC's National Survey of TransViolence reveals that the most common epithet used when we are bashed is "faggot." Transpeople are targeted because of the perception that we are gay. And gays are often picked out because they are "visibly queer," that is, because they are gender-different.

But the fine-line distinctions we draw to populate and protect the divisions among us--between orientation and gender or between gay and queer or between you and me--are lost upon those who stalk and prey upon us. We are all at risk, even if only some of us count.

Visit GenderPac on the web at www.gpac.org.

Why Don't You Tell Them I'm a Boy?

by Florence Dillon

Setting my daughter free meant more than I'd imagined.

My husband, James, and I have two sons. Alex, who just turned fourteen, is a classical musician and computer whiz. Steve just turned eleven. His life revolves around rocketry, soccer, and improvising stand-up comedy routines in the kitchen. He's in denial about puberty being just around the corner. As his parents, we're concerned about the changes puberty will bring, because we know how distressing it will be for him to begin to develop breasts in middle school. And we're sure that, unless something is done to postpone or stop it, he will develop breasts and begin to menstruate, because this child--who feels and behaves in every way like an ordinary boy--has a normal female body.

During the first year of life, the baby we named Sarah ate, slept, and watched the world in silence from my arms. Then she began to speak and run. It was hard to keep up with this toddler who would climb to the top of anything with handholds and, later, the preschooler who loved to jump from the tallest branch of our backyard tree down to the roof of the garage.

We were very proud of Sarah. I had always hoped for a daughter who would define herself, who would grow to be a strong, intelligent, and independent woman. This lively, fierce, thoughtful little girl gave me great joy. As her mother, I wanted to create a safe, warm nest where I could nurture her, then set her free to fly.

Sarah tested my resolve to set her free in a way I had never imagined. On her third birthday, she tore the wrapping paper from one of her grandmother's gifts and discovered a pink velvet dress trimmed in ribbons and white lace. I knew she wouldn't want to wear it--she hadn't voluntarily put on anything but pants since turning two, and this dress was totally impractical for playing the way Sarah played. Nevertheless, I was surprised by her reaction.

She looked up, not unhappy, but puzzled and confused, and asked, "Why is Grandma giving me a dress? Doesn't she know I'm not the kind of girl who wears dresses?" Then, with an air of great satisfaction at finding the solution to a problem, she said, "Just tell Grandma I'm a boy."

Initially I assumed Sarah's announcement was simply an attempt to communicate a clothing preference in language she thought grownups would understand. Then, shortly after her birthday, Sarah said she wanted us to call her "Steve." We thought this an odd request, but tried to remember to say "Steve" from time to time. A few weeks later we received a call from the Sunday school teacher who taught the three-year-olds at our church. She told us our daughter had asked to have the name "Sarah" on her nametag crossed out and replaced with "Steve." We realized then that the name "Steve" must be very important to Sarah, so we told the teacher it would be all right to call her "Steve" for the time being.

At home, we talked to Sarah about the difference between a nickname like "Steve" and her real name. But in our neighborhood and on the playground at the park, Sarah began to introduce herself only as Steve. Within our family, she became more insistent that she was a boy. She never said, "I want to be a boy," or, "I wish I were a boy," but always, "I am a boy." She demanded we use masculine pronouns when referring to her. When we forgot or refused, her face would screw up in fury and exasperation, and the offending parent was likely to be pinched or kicked by this usually loving child. I stopped using pronouns altogether when Sarah was within earshot.

The teacher at Montessori preschool wasn't as flexible as the Sunday school teacher. The children were learning to write their names, and "Sarah" was evidently the only name the teacher was willing to teach. This became an issue as Christmas approached. Four-year-old Sarah came home one day and asked how to spell "Steve" so she could sign her letter to Santa. When I cautioned that Santa might not be able to find our house if the name on the letter wasn't correct, she looked at me with scorn. "Santa knows where I live, Mommy. He knows my name is Steve."

I decided it was time to seek professional help. I had no idea why Sarah was convinced it was better to be a boy. Surely someone could tell me what I was doing wrong. And it must be something I was doing, or failing to do, because the children were in my care twenty-four hours a day. No one else had nearly as many opportunities to influence them. My husband was pursuing a corporate career that required his attention eleven or twelve hours a day, and I--very much by choice after fifteen years of work and academia--was a full-time mom.

My first call for help was to our state university's human development department. When I described my child and our family's situation, the "human development specialist" who took the call laughed reassuringly and said, "Don't worry about a thing. Your child has a great imagination. Lots of bright, creative kids try out different roles at this age. She'll grow out of it."

With relief, I took that advice, stopped worrying, and waited for Sarah to grow out of it. For the next couple of years, I supported my child's wish to be called Steve. I no longer made her unhappy by insisting, "You're a girl." Instead I said, "You have a girl's body, though Mommy and Daddy know you feel like a boy."

But I still felt responsible for my second child's inability to accept that she was a girl, and I set out to correct whatever misapprehensions she might have about becoming a woman. Because being a mother was such a joy for me, I told Sarah the most wonderful thing about being a girl is that girls can grow up and have babies of their own. Hearing this, Sarah's face darkened. She shu ddered and said, "I don't want to talk about that." She asked if everyone had to get married and have babies when they grew up. When told no, of course not, she relaxed and said she was always going to live in our house with Alex.

By age five, Sarah had given all her dresses to a neighbor girl of the same age. She wouldn't put on any item of clothing without first asking if it had been made for a boy or a girl. Only boys' clothes would do. I found myself confessing to sales clerks in boys' departments that I was buying these socks and pants and jackets for my daughter who evidently thought it would be better to be a boy. I felt I owed perfect strangers an explanation of something I couldn't explain to myself.

Still relying on the academic advice we had received when our child was four years old, I believed that Steve would eventually yield to "reality" and find a way to accept growing into a woman. The possibility that my child might be transsexual crossed my mind, but seemed so rare as to be extremely unlikely. The most difficult thing for me at that time was trying to keep all the options open--the ambiguity of not knowing for sure where Sarah/Steve belonged on the gender spectrum. As a woman, I hoped my child would learn that she was unique and that she had the right to define the kind of woman she would become. As a mother, my greatest concern was that my child feel wholly accepted and loved.

James and I searched for information about how and why a child's sense of gender can contradict his or her biological sex. There were very few studies available and none of them were well-designed, in my opinion, because they tended to rely solely on adult impressions and observations of children who were deemed "too masculine" as girls or "too feminine" as boys. It struck me as unhelpful and even harmful to judge children's dress and play as appropriate or inappropriate depending on how closely they approximated sex-role stereotypes from the 1950s. According to the studies, very few of these "masculine girls" or "feminine boys" grew up to be transsexual. Of those adults who did later identify as transsexual or transgendered, nothing had been noted about them as children that differentiated them from the others in the studies.

Those early researchers did not ask the children what they thought or felt about their own gender--whether they believed themselves to be boys or girls despite the contrary shapes of their bodies. The researchers' failure to ask that question clearly limits the value of their work. More recent medical research indicates that gender identity is every person's internal, brain-embedded awareness of being male or female (or somewhere in between). Gender identity determines whether a person feels male or female, not how masculine or feminine that person may appear to others.

What was our child's true gender identity? I didn't want to cause Steve more anguish at his young age by pushing him in either direction. Steve was a very bright, sensitive child who was troubled and confused about having a girl's body. He couldn't understand or explain why he had this body, although he continued to state unequivocally that he was a boy. He told me he knew there was nothing a boy could do that a girl couldn't do, but he was a boy. I wanted to give this child plenty of unpressured time to come to terms with being whoever he was.

After a painful kindergarten year during which our child was officially known as "Sarah," we asked the first-grade teacher to use the name "Steve" and to let Steve handle it if other children wondered whether Steve was a boy or a girl. Because we knew this situation was unusual and would very likely cause stress for the teachers, we offered to pay for a clinical psychologist specializing in gender issues to meet with the school staff. We wanted to provide an experienced resource to answer their questions about gender identity and help them develop strategies for dealing with a gender-variant child in their classrooms.

The school principal accepted our offer. However, one week before the staff gender training was scheduled to occur, the principal called to say she was disturbed because she had overheard children asking whether Steve was a boy or a girl. She perceived this as "harassment" of Steve, and she wasn't going to allow it to continue. Without waiting for input from the professional gender therapist, she had decided to call an all- school assembly meeting for the purpose of announcing to the entire student body at once that Steve was a girl, and to tell them that no one was ever to mention it again.

Nothing would more terrify my child. The single most important concern of Steve's life was to be seen as a boy. His girl's body was a source of deep shame to him. He was so fearful of anyone else finding out about it that he insisted on wearing three layers of clothing to bed at night.

Before the school year began, we had asked permission for Steve to use the unisex staff rest room because the girls' and boys' rooms are the only places in school where children are routinely identified by sex. The principal had refused our request. Because he saw himself as a boy and knew that boys didn't use the girls' room, our six-year-old was in agony from trying not to go to the bathroom at all until he got home at the end of the day.

When the principal told me her plan to make the all-school announcement, I was stunned. I felt powerless to protect my child. I've since learned that parents have considerable rights when protecting their children's welfare in the public schools, but at that moment all I could manage to say was that her decision would be devastating to Steve. The principal was firm, but offered to take Steve for a walk and "explain it to her."

Later, the principal called back to report what had happened. She had asked Steve if he would like the questions from the other children to stop. Steve said he would. Then the principal told him she was going to make the questions stop by telling everyone that Steve was a girl.

Steve looked up at her and said, "Why don't you tell them I'm a boy?"

To her credit, the principal listened to him. Startled by this first-grader's logic and assertiveness, she decided to wait until after the visit from the gender specialist to put her plan into action.

The public announcement never happened. The psychologist who conducted the gender training made it clear to the school staff that gender identity is innate, that it is established at a very early age, that it can differ from an individual's biological sex, and that it's neither appropriate nor possible for teachers to try to change a student's gender identity.

Today, Steve is known as a boy by his classmates. He's been elected president of the fifth grade and holds school records for push-ups and pull-ups. He has changed from a frightened, clingy child who had to be pushed kicking and screaming onto the school bus in first grade into a happy, confident boy who cockily practices muscle-man poses in the mirror.

Steve is the only expert on his own experience. He has never doubted his identity. And, although his parents and older brother find it helpful to use the term "transgendered" to describe him, he doesn't refer to himself that way. As far as Steve is concerned, he's just a boy.

Boy gets OK from school officials to wear gown to prom.

In Pierson, Florida school officials reversed their decision and will allow a teen-age boy to attend his high school prom in drag. Charles Rice plans to wear a red, floor-length evening gown, red satin shoes, gloves and matching rhinestone jewelry to his high school's March 27th prom.

Last week, Principal Peter Oatman told the 18-year-old Taylor High School senior he would be refused entrance to the prom if he showed up in drag.

Oatman backed down after conferring with Superintendent Bill Hall and school district attorneys, as well as reviewing news accounts of his initial decision.

Hall said Rice gets to don his gown for the prom only because the principal let him wear skirts and dresses to special events in the past. Because of these prior episodes, the school system would have had a weak case if the matter had gone to court, Hall said. "I should have the freedom to express myself," said Rice, who is gay.

EBaH Ohio Lobby Day

by Sue Davis

I've just returned from the Equality Begins at Home Ohio Lobby Day in Columbus, and I'm still floating on a little cloud at how well it went. We had three to four dozen lobbyists show up on Tuesday to lobby state legislators for hate crimes and employment non-discrimination legislation, 25-30% of whom were transgendered men and women. We were able to meet with the entire Senate, and half of the House.

A hate crimes bill is about to be introduced, and there are signs that an employment non- discrimination bill will be as well (sponsored by a Republican, no less!). The chief obstacle is that the State Senate is heavily controlled by the Republicans (21 to 12), many of whom are Christian Coalition social conservative types.

On the other hand, if just five Republicans were to break ranks, we could pass a bill by a vote of 17-16. Given how important lobbying the Republicans is in the current climate, I think I finally understand where the Log Cabin Club is coming from....

Other major achievements from yesterday: A member of the Democratic leadership in the Senate has committed to amend any GLB legislation that crosses his desk to make it trans-inclusive, if it isn't already. And a Republican legislator is planning to introduce a bill reforming birth certificates and other documentation for intersexed and transsexual people. We'll see if it gets anywhere, but coming from the Republican side of the aisle and starting with the politically non-contentious intersexed folks can only increase its chances.

So it was a hopeful and productive day for GLBT issues in general. It was a *great* day for transpeople, however. We really put transgendered issues on the map for the first time in Ohio politics, and educated both the legislature and the GLB part of the GLBT community. Most of the legislators had never heard about transgendered issues (or transpeople!) before, and our stories really got their attention. And our efforts for EBaH (especially on the part of Sarah, Mary Ann, and the rest) have gotten it across that transpeople are capable of doing some of the heavy lifting for the GLBT community. Yesterday, we did some very, very heavy lifting.

Community Calendar

Courtesy of The Center

April

April 1 TransFamily of Cleveland, 6:30pm, call 216-691-HELP (4357) or e-mail to Kateygr@aol.com for directions.

April 9 Join CSU's Gay Lesbian and Straight Alliance for their 2nd Annual Drag and Talent Show from 7-9pm at the CSU Center Auditorium (lower Level) on East 21st and Euclid. $3 to benefit the Gay Lesbian and Straight Alliance. For more info call 216-687-4510.

April 10 The North Coast Men's Chorus Concert. For more info call 440-473-8919.

April 11 The Center's second annual Marriage Expo. 1:00-5pm at The Glidden House Hotel 1901 Ford Drive in University Circle. The Expo will feature caterers, clergy, party and financial planners, photographers, retail booths and more! There will be info seminars on legal issues for couples, financial planning and commitment ceremony planning. Plus a Fashion show! For more info call 261-522-1999.

April 16-18 The Rainbow Wranglers Weekend Round-up For more info call 216-961-5817 or http://members.aol.com/roundup99

April 19 Hillcrest/NE Ohio PFLAG, 7pm at the Noble Road Presbyterian Church, 2728 Noble Rd., Cleveland Heights, call 216-691-HELP (4357) or e-mail to Kateygr@aol.com.

April 29 SSAFE Schools It's The Law: learn legal responsibilities related to work with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth, and responsible advocacy to support them. Featuring: Heather Sawyer attorney from Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund. 5pm at Cleveland State University in the University Center. Call The Center to register 216-522-1999.

May

May 1 Human Rights Campaign Dinner in Cleveland. Renaissance Hotel Grand Ballroom. Keynote Speaker: The Honorable Willie Brown, Mayor of San Francisco. Tickets are $150 per person. After April 1 the price will increase to $175 per person. For more information call 440-779-6444.

May 6 TransFamily of Cleveland, 6:30pm, call 216-691-HELP (4357) or e-mail to Kateygr@aol.com for directions.

May 17 Hillcrest/NE Ohio PFLAG, 7pm at the Noble Road Presbyterian Church, 2728 Noble Rd., Cleveland Heights, call 216-691-HELP (4357) or e-mail to Kateygr@aol.com.

June

June 2-6 "Be All" international transgender conference, seminars from serious to just fun at The Radisson Hotel in Cleveland. For more info call 330-923-3413 or www.beall.net.

June 3 TransFamily of Cleveland, 6:30pm, call 216-691-HELP (4357) or e-mail to Kateygr@aol.com for directions.

June 12 North Coast Men's Chorus Concert for more information all 440-473-8919.

June 12 Decked Out '99 dinner dance fundraiser on the Willis B. Boyer lake freighter museum moored on the Maumee River in Toledo 419-292-1524.

June 16 Join the Center for a theater production of "Victor/Victoria" at the Cleveland Playhouse with a private meet the cast reception after the performance at the Wynhdam Hotel. Performance is at 7:30pm. Tickets are $95 per person. Please call The Center for tickets 216-522-1999.

June 19 Join Frontrunners/Frontwalkers for their first annual Cleveland Frontrunners Pride 5k run and walk at Edgewater Park. For registration forms please call 440-979-0151.

June 19 "Peace, Love, Pride" Cleveland Pride march and festival. For more info call 216371-0214.

June 20 Gay Day at Cedar Point.

June 21 Hillcrest/NE Ohio PFLAG, 7pm at the Noble Road Presbyterian Church, 2728 Noble Rd., Cleveland Heights, call 216-691-HELP (4357) or e-mail to Kateygr@aol.com.

As I sit here writing this article (March 1999), I'm surrounded by anniversaries, past, present and future. This past Sunday would have marked the 13th anniversary of my marriage to my best friend. Sunday conjured up bittersweet memories of a relationship that was perfect in every way until GID could no longer be ignored by me or tolerated by my spouse. No more. It was two years ago (it seems longer) that I found TransFamily and my current therapist. And, it was one year ago (April 13, 1998) that I started living full time as a woman. So, how h as my transition progressed and what are my thoughts as I stand on the threshold of GRS?

My transition started in January 1998 when I moved out of my little country house in Geauga County and into a Shaker Square apartment. I maintained a "boy" image at work and a "girl" image everywhere else. I used to make superficial changes (makeup, wig, etc.) at sometime during trip between home and work. Needless to say, this was very stressful and it wasn't long before I was walking into my HR manager's office to "spill the beans." I was afraid of the consequences, but I had no choice. He was a bit surprised, but he handled it very well. He looked at me and said, "Do you like your job?" To which I replied, "I love my job!" "Then let's go for it!" he said. We were on our way!

With the help of some friends, I spent the next few weeks writing a coming out letter to the employees in my division (approx. 300) while the HR manager started telling the management and getting personally prepared (I loaned him a copy of "True Selves".) I went on vacation one week before I was due to start my first day as a woman at work. The HR manager scheduled several meetings at which he read my coming out letter. My therapist also participated as a source of expert information. The technique worked very well. It minimized the spreading of misinformation by rumor and the week between the announcement and my "unveiling" allowed everyone to talk to each other and to management about the impending event. The one thing that I didn't realize was that as people heard the letter being read, they thought that I was dying. Or, at least they thought that until the letter got to the punch line. My friends were relieved when they realized what it was really about, but I'm also sure that some of my coworkers wished I were dying.

The transition at work and in public has been both uneventful and rewarding. The people that I work closely with each day have been very supportive and make very few mistakes with pronouns. Even the management of my department is supportive and as a result my job is as secure as it ever was. People in public have been very friendly and have been very respectful toward me. I couldn't have asked for more. Except for the bathroom (I'm forced to use a unisex restroom in the warehouse), my socialization as a woman is complete. In June my physical transition will be complete.

During the past year there were many hurdles I had to navigate. I was rather anxious about walking in to work for the first time, but I did it. I've had anxious moments going to the grocery store, but I did it. There were times when I didn't want to walk through the production area to go to "my" bathroom in the warehouse, but I did it. There were scores of these "baby steps" as I call them. I did each one and with each step I became stronger and more self-assured.

Those of you who don't know me may be thinking that I must be able to pass completely since I don't seem to have any problems with everyday life and have a high degree of acceptance in public. The truth is, I do not pass completely, I get read all the time but I don't let it get to me. What's my secret? I don't worry about passing. O.K., I do worry sometimes, especially when I'm having a "frump" day. But for the most part, I try to look as good as I can, I assume that I will get read and I also assume I will still be treated with respect. I just made up my mind that I was going to be like this for the rest of my life and I should learn to live with it. The freedom that comes from that attitude is priceless.

I couldn't possibly tell my full story in a newsletter article, but I wanted to share the story of my work experience so that I might give others some encouragement. I don't expect everyone's experience coming out at work to be as good, but I have a feeling that my experience is closer to the rule than the exception. Some of you may have had much better experiences. Plan carefully, follow your instincts and try to tailor you transition at work to your personal style and the culture on the job. Most of all remember that those around you will have to go through changes in perception and attitudes and it all takes time. Be patient!

Passing is something we all strive for, whether we be mtf or ftm. A good place to start for ftms is hair. Though not vital, short hair will definitely help you to pass. One thing I have found is a definite must is to cut the hair in front of your ears straight across where sideburns should be. It's also a good idea to shave. In addition to being fun, it also helps you pass. One problem I have is my size. I have a small body frame, which is not a common masculine trait. A way to remedy this is by wearing baggy clothes. Loose clothing not only helps hide undesirable features, but it also gives the appearance of girth.

A great website I've found on ftm passing tips is http://www.e-zines.com/boyc hicks/ftmpass.html. It will definitely supply you with a good starting point if you're a beginner or some new ideas for even the most seasoned passer.

Coming out? I was maliciously outed - hundreds of photos passed around - and took it in stride being open and honest with anyone who asked. Longterm effects? Actually great! I work in both a shop rat area and in administration as a Facilities Engineer for General Motors. I've had to do a lot of educating, but most people have know me for 15 years, so...

Passing? I'm just myself. I don't worry about it. You'll never "pass" transitioning at a current place of employment, per say. You'll be know as the resident Tranny for some time. As far as the rest of the world? Confidence is the biggest thing you can have going for you. Do things as you always have (within reason) and expect that people treat you as yourself.

Passing was such an exciting event to accomplish when I first began transitioning more than a year ago. It gave me hopes of being validated externally. Now I feel differently; my validation comes from within. That will happen for everyone over time.

Presently, passing is something that I really would rather not have to consciously think about creating. Most of the time, I've settled into just being who I am as an individual. I display my own gesticulations and intonations and I will admit that I spend a great deal of time away from people so I am allowed the luxury to be myself.

As time has passed, the crowning symbol of manhood has grown upon me. Unfortunately, although my facial hair is really filling in quickly, it is mostly blond! And, it doesn't show much unless you are standing at an intimate distance from my face, consiquently, I am clean shaven.

My wardrobe has settled into a earthy rainbow of black, brown, grey and navy blue. There is also the manly head nod: two men greet each other in passing with a head nod and sometimes a grunted, "hey". When I get far enough down the hall, I usually smile and chuckle at the secret fraternity handshake that I would have never received as a woman. Those contrasts and comparisons would make a whole other article.

When I am out in public, I posture like a marine: chin up, chest up and out, shoulders back, wide gait and a kinda, "yeah, I'm bad" walk. I developed this sort of macho-march as a way to protect myself from physical harm. Although I am considered tall by FtM standards, at 5'7", I am on the short side of average when compared to bio- males. I found myself on the receiving end of a physical altercation last summer from a confused, frightened and angry neighbor who laid blows upon my new, surgically constructed chest.

I continue to be haunted by this and am reminded again by the recent horrific death in Alabama that anyone perceived to fall under the all encompassing label of queer is under potential threat. Passing within a potentially hostile public domain remains a concern for transgendered and gay, alike. My experience has been that I rarely don't pass; it may be that I'm not passing as often as it appears that I am, but that people are kind and offering me respect and compassion. I accept that; it is really just as good.

It is also easier to pass in small towns and rural areas and more difficult on Coventry St. and in Lakewood where they are accustomed to blurred gender expressions. Once and awhile, when I don't pass, it seems to happen with individuals who insist upon expressing an ignorant and intolerant attitude which I clock as their expression of living life in a self-imposed cubicle. I pity their missed opportunities and in those awkward moments, I am reminded of how deeply touched I am by all of the average folk, medical professionals, and relatives who consistently reach to a higher level of awareness in regards to me and my identity as a man.

Well lets see, I didn't pass thermodynamics, until the second time. I almost didn't pass differential equations--somebody asked the prof what you use this stuff for, and he got a blank look and finally said "I don't know!".

But, passing in public, is in some ways different than passing a class. With a class the more work you put into it the more likely you are to pass. This is true with passing in public also, up to a point. But if we keep at it many of us reach a point where we have worked it to death, but we are still having trouble passing. We worry about it, we fret over it, we examine ourselves in great detail trying to see what is wrong. Even after we get past the "look great but overdressed for the situation" problem, sometimes we still have trouble.

I learned about overdressing just after Christmas one year when I went out to exchange some gifts. I went what I thought was androgens male, but definitely male. But of the four clerks I talked with, three of them referred to me as she. I had been told that overdressing tended to give you away, but experiencing it when I was what I considered under-dressed for passing helped me feel it, not just see it.

I have also come to consider passing, even after six years of living full time (my sixth anniversary of going full time will be in mid April) not as about whether or not anybody identifies me as male. As a tall woman with a voice on the deep side, I will get read as male. Some people react to auditory signals more strongly than visual cues, and these people will pick up the general projection of a large person, and the borderline voice, and will identify me as male.

Sometimes they will look up, or a little more closely, and say "Oh! I'm sorry!" and sometimes they seem oblivious. And I have talked to many genetic women who are large who have similar experiences. But nobody has ever made a scene or been impolite.

Which brings me back to passing. I consider getting read to mean that someone has recognized that you are "a guy in a dress". But passing means that, whether or not you have been read, you have been accepted. I am, claim, celebrate, and expect to remain a person in many ways in the middle. I am a two spirit, as our Native American brothers have come to call those who are "both male and female yet neither male nor female" , who are healers, teachers and spiritual leaders (most nations have their own name; two spirit is a generic term (I would never claim a native name unless it was given to me by a native healer(I love nested paren's))).

As part of my continuing outreach (I started this when I was transitioning) I am always friendly and open with people, especially if I think that they have read me. If they have read me I want what may well be their first knowing experience with a transgendered person to be a good one! Looking at being read as an opportunity for outreach helps me keep a more positive attitude towards getting read, instead of letting it bring me down. Keeping a positive attitude also helps me to both pass and avoid being read.

When I was early in my transition (only the second opportunity I had had to go out in public) I had another very educational experience. I had two spring days free in Los Angeles at the end of a business trip there. I had gone out in public my first time in Boston the previous fall. The first day I was doing OK. I was being read a lot (I could tell by the reactions of the clerks), but I was passing fine (everyone was friendly, even after a slight startle reaction when they recognized me as "male").

On the second day I started out in a department store, and a sales clerk came up to me from behind and said "may I help you?" And I panicked. My body language, the look on my face, everything about me shouted "I'm not supposed to be here like this". I might as well have turned to her with downcast eyes and said, "I'm so sorry I'm a cross dresser!". Well she fled to find another sales clerk, and I fled out into the mall.

Once I got myself settled down, I thought about what had happened. I kept thinking how stupid that was, how ridiculous to just panic, really for no reason at all. I think I also recognized the feeling as the same one that I used to have years before when shopping as a man for women's clothes. I had overcome that fear after a sales clerk jokingly told me one time that she didn't think they had anything in my size. I "jokingly" told her how disappointed I was. And that started me on relaxing, having a good time with shopping for women's clothes, joking with sales clerks, just enjoying myself.

After thinking about all of this I decided that I needed to put on the same attitude that I put on when I went shopping as a guy for women's clothes. So I sat down, meditated a little, got myself into that place, and went on shopping. Where the previous day I had experienced a reaction from almost every sales clerk, now I was experiencing no reaction at all. If anyone read me that second day they certainly didn't give away the fact, as almost everyone had the day before.

What I now realize is that you are always giviong off an energy that other people pick up. If you are giving off negative energy (angry, fear, discomfort) people pick up on that negative energy and recognize you as a potential threat. As a potential threat they go on their guard and watch you more closely and more suspiciously, and are much more likely to pick up on anything that isn't quite right.

So, in a nutshell, relax, have a good time. You are doing something that you have always wanted to do, fulfilling a fantasy! Enjoy yourself! And one last thought. Don't confuse being beautiful with being unreadable or being passable. I once heard (at a gender convention) a young boy say, getting off of an elevator wth his mother, and speaking of the transgender person who had shared the elevator with them, "Boy she sure was ugly!". I could feel the conflicting emotions of this TG person; "He called me ugly--but also SHE!"

The March meeting of PFLAG Hillcrest/NE Ohio will be held at Noble Road Presbyterian Church, 2780 Noble Road, in Cleveland Heights on April 19th at 7pm.

The group meets on the third Monday of each month at 7 PM.

If you attend a meeting of the Hillcrest/NE Ohio chapter, please use the parking lot across Noble Road, as no parking is allowed on the side street next to the church. To get more information, please call 216-691-4357.

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