I'm going to tell you our story and how I dealt with... or didn't deal with.... or am still dealing with some of the issues I've encountered being the straight spouse of a transsexual.

How did we get to where we are today? Let me give you some background.

BEST FRIENDS

Back in 1970, two teens, Roger and Miriam, met in the school library. They quickly became best friends, although each had a significant other. In 1971, I attended Roger's wedding and in 1972, he attended mine. We lost touch when Roger and his wife joined the Navy in 1974.

Back in 1970, two teens, Roger and Miriam, met in the school library. They quickly became best friends, although each had a significant other. In 1971, I attended Roger's wedding and in 1972, he attended mine. We lost touch when Roger and his wife joined the Navy in 1974.

My first marriage lasted almost 15 years. My husband was quite content working in the family business. His other interests were Racquetball and Golf. I quickly became bored, staying at home and being a housewife, and started working.

After several years, I went back to school, at night, and graduated, seven years later, with a Bachelors in Business Administration. By the time we divorced (quite amicably, by the way), I was earning almost three times what my husband was.

During the time I was moving up the corporate ladder, it became clear that I was more intelligent and more ambitious than many of my male colleagues. In 1987, about the same time as my divorce, I was working in Technical Services, in Information Technology. This is the place where "the rubber meets the road" or, the software meets the hardware. Even today, thirteen years later at a recent managers conference, the ratio of men to women was about 10 to 1. (It was so refreshing to see a line outside of the men's room, instead of the ladies room, for a change!)

In the late '70s, I read the book "Conundrum" by Jan Morris and I found myself wondering, "Am I really a man in a woman's body??" I didn't think so... it didn't feel right. I'm a girl, and I ENJOY being a girl.

SOUL MATES

Jump to 1993. After a really lousy year, in 1992, I got a letter from my old friend Roger. He was back in town and wanted to see me. We got together one night for drinks. I found out that he was in the middle of divorcing from wife number three. We quickly realized that we belong together and did get married four months later.

Roger moved in with me after the first time we made love. Shortly afterwards, one night, he said, "I have to tell you something."

I held my breath. He then went on to explain that back in the '80s, he'd seen a psychiatrist who thought he was transsexual. I thought, "That's it??? You didn't kill somebody?? The police aren't after you??" I knew what a transsexual was and, as Roger says, I didn't run screaming into the night. He said he had it under control now, and was okay as a male. So, I was quite aware of Roger's issues before we got married. But, when we married, it was as man and wife.

It made absolutely no sense for me to quit a high paying job and become "Suzy Homemaker." Roger had not worked in his field of computer programming since 1991, when his gender dysphoria began interfering with his work and his marriage. So, I continued to work and set Roger up in his own video production business.

Roger was a Christian, and he patiently, kindly, and gently led me back to Christ. I'd been raised as a Methodist, but had left the church when I was 16. My logical, scientific mind couldn't make the lead of faith that was required to believe in a risen Christ. It was easier to think of mindless forces of good and evil, and believe that the Bible was just a book of good fiction. But, Roger answered my questions, prayed with me, and took me to his church. In July of 1993, I accepted Christ.

Then, things got complicated.

As part of the divorce, Roger's ex-wife got custody of their two children. She began to then get in touch with her "inner slut." When we saw the children, they were dirty and hungry. We tried joint custody for awhile, where the kids lived with us for a week and then with her for a week. But, we still felt the children were at risk. This was especially so when she left her husband of a year, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a blizzard, to move in with her boyfriend. Soon we found ourselves with full custody of the children, their mother of out state, and Roger in a new role..... as "Soccer Mom."

BABY STEPS

I'd noticed that Roger had begun wearing pantyhose under his jeans. He said they kept him warm in cold weather. Then, he began wearing a nightgown to bed. He said it was more comfortable. Then, he began wearing concealer to hide his wrinkles and blemishes. During this time, he was subconsciously taking "baby steps," on the way to becoming a woman.

Late 1997 was not a good time for us. Roger had outpatient surgery on his back to repair a ruptured disc in September, and in October wound up in the ER with a bleeding ulcer. It turned out that the prescription steroids and pain medications he'd had to take had eaten a hole in his stomach and he'd been bleeding for quite awhile. He was close to death by the time we got him to the hospital.

Finally, things settled down. Roger was healthy, the kids were living with us and were getting into typical teenage trouble. Nightly, I prayed to God to make me the best possible wife to Roger that I could be. One day, after making love, I said, "You are such a wonderful man."

And, that's when he said, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that." Things got complicated again. He said he wanted to transition to being a female, he wanted to get in touch with his feminine side.

We talked about it, and I said, "Let's try taking baby steps. Let's see how far you can go, and when I get uncomfortable, can I say 'stop' or 'let's slow down'?" He agreed.

Through my work in TransFamily, I've noticed that some male to female transsexuals seem to want to go FULL STEAM AHEAD, DAMN THE TORPEDOES. "This is who I am and who I want to be." Oddly enough, to me, this seems like a very male attitude. Roger and I, however, DID take baby steps. We both agreed that the bottom line was that divorce was NOT an option. We agreed, when we got married, that this was forever. And, actually, when you make that kind of decision, I feel that everything else, from there, becomes easier. You're more willing to make compromises and look for alternatives. This also proved, once again, that God DOES have a sense of humor.

In 1998, Roger shaved off the mustache that I SO loved. That hit me very hard. His face was becoming more feminine. He'd been taking phytoestrogens that we'd buy at the local GNC every couple of weeks. (I always DID wonder what the clerk thought, since I was in there buying PMS pills so often.). We also went on our first shopping trip for a bra, for Roger, which was quite an experience.... "How does this look? How does this make me look?" After awhile, he had nicer underwear than I did.... because, personally, I hate shopping for underware..... it's incredibly depressing to find out you've gone up another panty size.

As Roger became more feminine, he became more relaxed and less prone to fits of anger.

In June of 1998, for our five year anniversary, we renewed our wedding vows in church. This time, it was with the full knowledge that Roger was on his way to becoming a woman.

TRANSITION

In January of 1999, Roger started therapy to get a referral to begin hormone treatments. At one point, we went to the therapist together. She wanted to see and talk to both of us before actually giving him the referral.

In April of 1999, Roger saw an Endocrinologist who did put him on hormone therapy. Both of us went to the initial visit. And that was quite exciting... living with someone who, every five minutes, kept checking down his shirt to see if "they" were getting bigger. And, sure enough, after a little while they DID become bigger.

Despite the hormones, Roger was still full functional as a male. But, after awhile, I found myself making love to someone with breasts. I also noticed that his genitalia were shrinking.

While the kids were around, Roger was still Roger. Only while they were at school could Roger become Cynthia. During that summer, they spent a month with their mother and for a whole month, Cynthia got to come out and play every day.

Seeing my husband in a skirt for the first did make me uncomfortable. I was slammed with the realization that, if I am a woman and my husband is a woman, then I was a lesbian. I didn't feel like a lesbian.... just looking at Pierce Brosnan still gets me hot and Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche don't do a thing for me.

Cynthia and I talked a lot during this period. We also attended meetings of TransFamily, a transsexual support group. I was finally given the vocabulary that I needed to express feelings that I'd had for years. Gender identity IS separate from sexual orientation. Gender identity is not binary; it is not on or off, one or zero, OR male or female. It is analog; a continuum.

Some women are more masculine than some men.... some men more feminine than some women. Cynthia says I think like a man. I think in a straight line, very logically. Maybe that's because my father was a mechanical engineer who raised me to believe that I could do anything. Or, maybe it has something to do with my life in Information Technology.

SELF DOUBTS

About that same point in time, I went to a "Women Of Faith" conference. I encountered gay bashing there, and some interpretation of the Bible that led us to believe that homosexuality was wrong; that men shouldn't wear female clothing. That caused me to step back and think, "Wow, am I totally off base here? Is Satan leading me astray??" And then, I remember my prayers to God, asking Him to help me be a good wife to Roger. I realized He'd answered those prayers in His own way. He was letting ME be the best husband to Cynthia that she ever could have had.

On a summer vacation trip to Toronto, Cynthia had a chance to go out on the street as herself in a tolerant atmosphere. We, of course, went through the "How am I passing? How do I look? Do I look like Cynthia or do I look like Roger?" After awhile, Cynthia began to be more recognized as a woman.

And then, OOPS, another big realization for me... "If I'm a woman and I'm showing public affection to another woman, then people probably think I'm a lesbian." After awhile, I had to decide "Do I really care any more??" I still dither about this from time to time; sometimes, when my energy resources are low. when my self-confidence is low, when my ability to cope is low, it bothers me. Some days, I couldn't care less.

TELLING THE KIDS

After a whole month of Cynthia being "Cynthia," the idea of going back to being "Roger" when the kids returned was not pleasant for her, so we decided it was time to tell them.

Let me explain that these are not the easiest kids in the world to raise. They both have Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.), like their father. They don't do well in school and are protected by Individual Education Plans (I.E.P.). They also seem to attract trouble like flies to flypaper.

We prepared by visiting the therapist again, and stragatizing approaches and explanations. We knew that the deadliest thing to do would be to call a family council or sit everybody down formally; those were reserved for when the kids really messed up. We wanted to keep the atmosphere casual and bring the subject up in a casual way.

We set up at least three family dinners, and waited for the opportunity to bring up the subject. And, as many of you with teens know, sometimes it's just so hard to get a word in edgewise, let alone bring up a delicate topic. Each time we failed to talk about it was devastating to Cynthia. It wasn't easy on me either.

Finally, we got our chance. Cynthia started the conversation by saying that Dad was changing and that we needed to talk about it. Then, by pre-arrangement, she turned it over to me. We felt that, if the explanation came from me, the kids would understand that I accepted and approved of this; that they'd take their cues from me.

I explained that sometimes a girl's brain winds up in a boy's body, and sometimes a boy's brain is in a girl's body. This was a birth difference, like a mole. This wasn't something that was inherited like eye color or hair color. I felt it was important for the kids to understand that they should, in no way, be concerned that this would happen to them.

I told them that Dad had started to become a woman back in April, and I asked them to compare their relationships with Dad now to back then. There were no more fits of rage, not as much yelling. My stepson, especially, had benefited from Cynthia's transition and, he immediately did recognize the change.

We explained that, for the time being, when we went out in public that Dad would be "Roger." If they brought friends home, they had to give us warning so that Cynthia could become "Roger." and protect them from uncomfortable situations. After about fifteen minutes of talking about this, we wrapped up the conversation by telling the kids they could ask us questions about this any time.

Less than two months later, the story of California transsexual high school teacher Dana Rivers was on ABC's 20/20. My step son came into the room while we were watching it, and sat down to watch it with us. Afterwards, he gave his father a big hug and said, "I understand." That meant the world to Cynthia.

GUILT

Cynthia has been living full-time as a woman now for almost three years. During that time, we've dealt with a variety of issues: the kids telling their friends, me telling the people at work, 'coming-out' to our families. Some people have been very supportive, some have not. We were asked several years ago to leave our church. But when God closes a door, he opens a window. We've become membesr of an open church that accepts and loves us..

Cynthia is looking forward to her upcoming gender reassignment surgery, which will complete her transition. Although it will make a profound difference in our physical relationship, we will deal with it as we have with the other issues that have arisen - with love, with humor, and together with God.

We pray together every night. We thank God for the wonderful, unique relationship that we have. We pray that our example may help others who find themselves in this situation and realize that they are not alone.

Being a “straight spouse” DOES NOT automatically mean ending your marriage. But it DOES mean that you have to decide what is important to you, how flexible you CAN be, how flexible you are WILLING to become, and how committed you are to each other and to the marriage.

Contact Miriam by email at miriam@transfamily.org

Miriam's Story continues as she talks about the challenges and blessings of being married to a male to female transexual in Being Brave.

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TRANSFAMILY COUPLES DISCUSSION LIST

This list is intended as support group exclusively for the spouses/life partners of transitioning individuals. The topics discussed on this list are different from those of the Couples list (above), attending to the very unique issues confronted by the spouse or partner of a transitioning individual. All subscriptions must be approved to ensure that the list's confidentiality will be maintained. After requesting a subscription, please prepare a brief introduction paragraph about you and your "trans" situation. You'll need to submit this paragraph to list moderator prior to the subscription being approved. Messages are sent to the list mail box, rather than the individual, and everyone receives a copy of the message. Anyone on the list can respond to a message. If you desire to personally respond to a message, privately and off of the list, please remember to change the email address from the list to the individual's. If you're concerned about getting too many e-mail's from the list, you can subscribe to a "digest" version of this list. Click to subscribe to TransFamily Spouses

This list is intended as support group for transitioning individuals and their spouses/life partners. The intent of the list is to help couples work their way through transition, whether or not they decide to remain together as a couple. It is not necessary for both members of a couple to be subscribed to the list. This list is not a dating service. All subscriptions must be approved to ensure that the list's confidentiality will be maintained. After requesting a subscription, please prepare a brief introduction paragraph about you and your "trans" situation. You'll need to submit this paragraph to list moderator prior to the subscription being approved. Messages are sent to the list mail box, rather than the individual, and everyone receives a copy of the message. Anyone on the list can respond to a message. If you desire to personally respond to a message, privately and off of the list, please remember to change the email address from the list to the individual's. If you're concerned about getting too many e-mail's from the list, you can subscribe to a "digest" version of this list. Click to subscribe to TransFamily Couples